"The Letter"

I have started to receive my Christmas cards this year. Inevitably, I also receive a few of "letter updates." They are wonderful for updating people on your situation........and for bragging about your whole freaking family. So far a few I have received have said.

"Now that S has finished his MBA and is comtemplating whether he should get his Phd..." To me that translates to S had better get a job and stop being a professional student.

"Our little M won an artistic competition and his works are hanging in a local store..." That means Gymboree had a coloring contest and whoever colored in the lines won.

So I wrote a little update and the translations meaning the truth.

"Our family is doing well. After our move to the sunny state of Fl we found a sweet bungalow with friendly neighbors." Translation: The move sucked and we found a shack that needs work and the neighbors asked us to swing with them.

Our little one is active and we enjoy the time we spend with her. Her teacher has said she is creative and very unique. Translation: The kid is driving me crazy,I spend way too much time with her. Her teacher freaked out when she wrote on the word "damn" on the wall.

The older one is quiet and studious. She has a sensitive soul and loves to dance. Translation: She cries at the drop of a hat and she break dances in the store while I am trying to grocery shop.

Snark is ecstatic about his work as he continually moves up the corporate ladder. Translation: Snark is happy he has received his paycheck this week and due to all the layoffs he is "young enough" to take on more responsibilty now that all the people two years older have chosen to "retire."

Lavagirl is euphoric being at home. It gives her great pleasure to cook meals that are pleasing and she volunteers at school all the time. Translation: Lavagirl wishes Prozac was an OTC drug. Kraft Mac and cheese is what garners applause in her house. She is shleping up to school because she keeps hearing rumors that they might start teaching there instead of running the kids around to "clubs" like ceramics and drama. What is the point of "clubs" when your kid doesn't speak proper English? But that is another story.

In all the Lavacakes family is "perfect". Hope your family is doing just as well and look for our upcoming novella on how great we are around the same time next year.