"Honesty"... is such a lonely word

Is there such thing as complete honesty between people? Between husband and wife? Between friends? How honest a person are you?

I can truly say that I am very honest with Snark. Actually, I do fib a bit on the price of my handbags and clothing. Really, just the handbags. I don't buy outrageous clothing so he doesn't care. The handbags are a different story. By a little fibbing I mean by reducing the price by a $100.00...........or so. Okay, I can't even be honest on this blog.

Snark believes in honesty. When I was pregnant with the eldest, I made the mistake of asking him how I looked in jeans(As a newbie pregnant person, who knew you did not do that.). He made the mistake of telling me that my butt looked big. But that is how our relationship works. There is really nothing we hold back. That is a good and a bad thing. I can tell him anything but that also provides fodder for "do you remember when you did................."

How about your friends? Do you tell them they look horrendous in their outfits? Do you tell them that they are a little too blonde?? That their kids are rude little midgets? I don't. I would rather seethe than tell people what I really think. In my opinion, honesty is not always the best policy. I find my female friends would rather not hear the truth. It hurts their ears.

The biggest mistake I made with this blog was letting my friends know who wrote it. Now I get e-mails asking "Is that me??" So I am stating now. It may or may not be you. Just enjoy. Am I being honest when I say that it isn't you? Like I said before honesty isn't always the way to go.

Year in Review

January: Post holiday letdown. Hosted brother-in-law and family of six for Christmas. Mentally exhausted and needed several drinks to reinvigorate myself. Found out due to non-vigilance on yearly PAP(more like the five yearly PAP) had precancerous cells that needed to be lasered off. Spent January freaked out, writing will and telling Snark that he could remarry.

February: Mardi Gras was early. Went to annual Spanishtown parade and spent the day trying to get beads without flashing boobs. It worked, but for how long? Took the kids to New Orleans Mardi Gras and tried to explain that the human condom man was actually the "Boy in the Bubble". Got hit in the face with bags of beads. Needed a beer after that.

Had laser surgery on Valentines day. Best hospital experience ever. But then I always wanted to be knocked out while someone is cauterizing my insides. Wish all PAPs came with optional anesthesia. Cruelest blow of all: Had to cancel reservations at French Laundry in Napa. That was a kick in the pants.

March: Snark informs me that being self-employed stinks. I agree and the job hunt begins. Options are unemployment, Indiana (rather have unemployment), or staying in Baton Rouge and hunting nutria for dinner.

April/May: April is one of those months that passes in a blur. Why? I have no clue but nothing exciting happens and that is just fine with me. May on the other hand is great. My birthday is the 10th. I went to Canton, MS for a huge outdoor bazaar and came back with plenty of goodies. Enjoyable trip barring the moment that someone tried to enter hotel room and my girlfriend turned into Japanese anime heroine. Jumped out of bed screaming "no,no,no!" In spite of fright I fell on the nasty pseudo-carpet laughing. The intruder changed his mind after hearing us in the room.

Had Chicken on a Stick. Highly recommend it.

For Mother's Day I visited my friend in Orlando, Fl. Little did she know that Snark interviewed in Orlando area. Very hard time keeping my mouth shut that weekend seeing as she is one of my closest friends. Kept surreptisiously looking at houses for sale. Snark got the job and I told her. Very nice to have her close by.

June/July: Cleaned out house for showings. Hate that. I like to shove everything in closets, but had to clean those too. Had to pretend that the dog and cat did not exist. They were not thrilled. Cat got revenge by puking right before a showing. Almost told them I'd give her to them if they bought the house. Flew to Orlando for a house hunt. Friend came with Snark and I house-hunting. Realtor was snotty and the housing was horrendous. Wanted to go back and hug my stove in BR. Snark put his foot down and chose the house. He did the right thing but the shock still has not worn off.

August: Mom comes to visit. Gets me off my butt to decorate the house and prods me to do some much needed landscaping. Good will between us lasts about two weeks then we settle down to comfortable bickering until she leaves. I go to visit her in NYC and spend most of my time drooling in windows and seeking out places to eat. Last day there I make my cousin do a food tour with us. List of places:

Beard Papa-cream puffs and only that
Joe's Shanghai- crabmeat soup dumplings
Chinatown--dim sum at some corner and lychees and mangos at the market. Pretty sticky but tasty
Payard--Everyone gets a pastry and we go to Central Park to share. Last mouthful is settled by a verbal abuse contest between my cousin and I. Too bad while we were talking someone else ate it.
Coffee at a truck somewhere I read about.
Prune for dinner--had salmon, ginger spiked vodka lemonade called a ladybug. While cousin's wife was in bathroom drank half of her melon drink with rum and lychee. Denied all knowledge of how it disappeared.

I get blamed for weight gain at the end of it but I know they loved it.

September: School is in full swing. Time for myself. Spend days talking about how great being alone is and twiddling thumbs. Go back to doc and find out the nasty cells are back. I get to go back and get plumbing fixed. I ask innocently if we can just yank all non usuable parts out. Get a strange look from doctor. Spend rest of month revising will and telling Snark that he has to learn how to braid the girls' hair. He gives me strange look also.

October: Gear up for Halloween. Get word that single neighbor is keeping track of my going and coming. No he is not FBI, just nosy. What is worse, single neighbor is not goodlooking. What does that say about me? Low point that month.

November: Had my ten-minute surgery again. Margins come back clear so I am okay for now. Have to go back in six months. Fly to Michigan for Thanksgiving. Gave thanks that I did not live there anymore. Too much snow for me. Had to hear Snark moaning about prefab turkey and nasty stuffing. Gave him Hungry Howie's as compensation for missed turkey dinner. Drank plenty. Had to. Go to brother-in-law's and ply myself with spicy Bloody Marys. It was a good visit after the drinks.

December: Went to Baton Rouge to visit girlfriend. Was hoping I could kick those people out of my house. Was the first time back since Katrina. Traffic everywhere. City is booming. Louisiana people are tough. New Orleans will come back. Went to Whole Foods and cursed that everytime I am leaving they go and build a beautiful Whole Foods in the city I leave. Spent an hour wandering around fondling the cheese and chocolate like a pervert.
Did shopping for Christmas online. Snark and I bought each other books and beer. It's the little things that make us happy.

December 31st--Going to friend's house and drinking.

Brisket

There is a grocery chain in St Louis called Dierbergs. They put out recipes every month. They are great because they are easy and delicious. This recipe is big favorite. I keep losing the recipe so I am lucky I have friends that also like this. I serve it with mashed cauliflower or potatoes and slow cooked green beans.

1 Beef Brisket (3-4 lbs) Use a flat cut.

1 cup ketchup

1/2 cup of strong brewed coffee

1/4 cup of firmly packed brown sugar

3 Tbsp. lemon juice

1 Tbsp. worcestershire sauce

Trim fat. Place brisket in a 9X13 baking dish. In bowl combine all the remaining ingredients. Pour mixture over meat. Cover tightly. Roast in oven at 325 for 3 hours or until tender. Let stand for 30 minutes before serving.

Holiday Highlights

I am back to semi-normal. The day after Christmas I took down all the holiday gee-gaws and put my house back together. That is my tradition. When Christmas is over, it is really over in the Lavacakes household. The 26th finds me throwing everything in a box and snapping my bullwhip on Snark to take it to the attic. Oddly, he finds that whole bullwhip very exciting. But I digress...

The girls have time off till Jan. 4th. This means that I have to entertain them till they or I fall asleep exhausted from family togetherness.

This holiday we saw approx. 30 minutes of "Narnia" before my nine year old ran screaming out of the theater. Snark followed, screaming about the 40 bucks he just lost and the seven year old called us all "losers".

We went to Disney exactly two times. We saw the beautiful light display at MGM. They had snow falling also and it was the best kind...because it was fake. Loved it!

The next time, we went to EPCOT to see the candlelight processional and see my second husband Jim Caviezel tell the story of Christmas. Seeing him decided a few issues. One, my digital sucks and I need a new one. Two, get to EPCOT early next year so I can sit close enough to throw myself at him. Three, lose the kids and the husband that day in order to throw myself at him. If you squint at the above picture you can see him.

We ate at Chefs D' France after. Snark ordered cod en croute and I ordered Beef Tenderloin. Our dishes were delish. Our enjoyment was aided by a mouth-puckering house wine. The waitress, Florie, was a newbie(first day on the job). She did great, meaning she kept the wine flowing and spoke kindly to the kiddies. The little one was fascinated by her accent and asked if she was from China. I think we need to work on languages with her.

We went over to friend's house for Christmas. This is a girlfriend I knew in St Louis, who moved here six months before me. Talk about good fortune. She is what I imagine my sister would be like...if I had one. It was tasty and Snark partook of some green ginger wine from Jamaica. Except he was supposed to dilute and he took it straight. Guess who drove home??

So far we have enjoyed the holiday. It was a bit harried at times but we are thankful for the roof over our heads and the food on our table. I hope that all of you have been as blessed as we have been.

Snark's cookie list

Every year we sit down and hash out the cookie list. This requires taking out 10 years of food magazines and debating recipients and time constraints. Now the kids are old enough to have a vote the cookie decisions take a bit longer.

We keep some old favorites like Jam thumbprints and try new recipes like Bittersweet Mocha Cookies. So here is the list and I will say that they all turned out well this year.

Caramel and chocolate dipped pretzel rods
Bittersweet Mocha Cookies
Dark chocolate wafers
pecan shortbread
Caramel corn
Jam Thumbprints

This takes most of the day because I make the caramel for the corn and pretzels. Snark makes the cookies. We passed most of it out this year to friends since making them makes me lose the taste for anything sweet for a while.

"The Letter"

I have started to receive my Christmas cards this year. Inevitably, I also receive a few of "letter updates." They are wonderful for updating people on your situation........and for bragging about your whole freaking family. So far a few I have received have said.

"Now that S has finished his MBA and is comtemplating whether he should get his Phd..." To me that translates to S had better get a job and stop being a professional student.

"Our little M won an artistic competition and his works are hanging in a local store..." That means Gymboree had a coloring contest and whoever colored in the lines won.

So I wrote a little update and the translations meaning the truth.

"Our family is doing well. After our move to the sunny state of Fl we found a sweet bungalow with friendly neighbors." Translation: The move sucked and we found a shack that needs work and the neighbors asked us to swing with them.

Our little one is active and we enjoy the time we spend with her. Her teacher has said she is creative and very unique. Translation: The kid is driving me crazy,I spend way too much time with her. Her teacher freaked out when she wrote on the word "damn" on the wall.

The older one is quiet and studious. She has a sensitive soul and loves to dance. Translation: She cries at the drop of a hat and she break dances in the store while I am trying to grocery shop.

Snark is ecstatic about his work as he continually moves up the corporate ladder. Translation: Snark is happy he has received his paycheck this week and due to all the layoffs he is "young enough" to take on more responsibilty now that all the people two years older have chosen to "retire."

Lavagirl is euphoric being at home. It gives her great pleasure to cook meals that are pleasing and she volunteers at school all the time. Translation: Lavagirl wishes Prozac was an OTC drug. Kraft Mac and cheese is what garners applause in her house. She is shleping up to school because she keeps hearing rumors that they might start teaching there instead of running the kids around to "clubs" like ceramics and drama. What is the point of "clubs" when your kid doesn't speak proper English? But that is another story.

In all the Lavacakes family is "perfect". Hope your family is doing just as well and look for our upcoming novella on how great we are around the same time next year.

Cranberry Brie Bites

I made these one year and they were a hit. I have made them every year since.

1 1/2 cups cranberry sauce (use homemade or store-bought cranberry sauce)
1 puff pastry sheet
1 brie triangle, chilled

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.
Thaw puffy pastry sheet flat. Cut puff pastry sheet into approximately 3-inch squares and place them into mini muffin tins, pressing them into the shape of the muffin hole. Place a 1-inch slice of brie in the center of each puff pastry and then top it with approximately 1 tablespoon of cranberry sauce.
Bake 10 minutes or until puff pastry corners are toasted light brown. Let cool 5 minutes before serving.

E-mail from a friend

I don't know who came up with this, but this is brilliant! So true.


As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months.

Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number,for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is
about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7
minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) tomorrow afternoon.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

> > Happy Holidays in advance.

Definition of Ma'am--@#$%

Being raised primarily in the South, I was taught that anyone old enough to be your mom was addressed with a Ms. or Mr. preceding their name or if they were hanging out at your house all the time Aunt or Uncle. It was all about courtesy. To this day I address my parent's friends the same way and anyone I meet that is older than me. I feel very uncomfortable with saying an older person's name without the courtesy title.

I have noticed since I've moved around that you can tell a Southerner by the way they automatically add Ma'am or Sir. You can tell the other's by the violent reaction to being Ma'amed. Especially with women. It is as if you called them the other four letter word.

Apparently, ma'am denotes decrepitness. That was never the case when I or the rest of the South said it. It was said out of respect for your elders. I read somewhere where a fifteen year old bagger called a 34 year old woman Ma'am and she was mortally offended. Well guess what, you are older honey. Face it. Quite frankly, Ma'am is preferable to "Yo bitch." Because you are more likely to be called that.

A friend came over and when my eldest added the Ms. to her name she cringed and then said.

"No you call me M."

My daughter raised an eyebrow.

"Actually, she will add the Ms. I don't allow my children to call adults by their first name." I replied.

"Well that makes me feel old."

I shrugged. What I wanted to say was "You are 40, she is 8. She is not an adult and she will not be allowed to treat you as an equal because she is not."

Snark and I do not allow our friends kids to call us by our first names. I think there needs to be a line drawn regarding overfamiliarity with your elders. If you are taught not to have a certain amount of courtesy or manners from young, you won't have it as an adult. It boils down to the fact that all people are not created equal, especially children and adults. I have lived longer than you and know a bit more. You can say "ma'am or Ms". I earned it.

Double Chocolate Cookies

Snark makes these for me every year. And every year I curse him for adding 10 lbs on me as I am stuffing them in my mouth, and hiding them from the kids. He uses Callebaut or another good-quality chocolate. It makes a difference.


1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
2 tablespoons unsweetened Dutch-process cocoa powder
1 teaspoon baking powder
3/4 teaspoon salt
1 pound fine-quality bittersweet chocolate (not unsweetened)
1 stick (1/2 cup) unsalted butter
1/2 cup sugar
3 large eggs

Preheat oven to 350°F. and line a large baking sheet with parchment paper.

Into a bowl sift together flour, cocoa and baking powders, and salt. Coarsely chop chocolate. In a double boiler or a large metal bowl set over a saucepan of barely simmering water melt butter with three fourths chocolate, stirring until smooth.

Remove chocolate mixture from heat and stir in sugar. Stir in eggs 1 at a time until combined well and stir in flour mixture until just combined. Chill dough, covered, at least 10 minutes and up to 1 hour.

Drop rounded tablespoon measures of dough about 1‚ inches apart onto baking sheet and stud each cookie with a few pieces remaining chocolate. Bake in middle of oven 10 minutes, or until just set. Cool cookies on sheet on rack 5 minutes and transfer with a spatula to rack to cool completely. Make more cookies with remaining dough in same manner. Cookies may be kept in an airtight container at room temperature 3 days.

Makes about 36 cookies.
Gourmet

Unattended parents will be sold!

I just read an article on the wire about a cafe owner in Chicago banning kids from his restaurant. Okay, I have kids. Am I outraged like a lot of parents out there? No! I admire him for having the cajones to stand up to those parents that allow their kids to throw things, break stuff and treat other people's property with absolute disdain.

Since when did it become the norm to not discipline your kids? I hate to make this comparison but I was reading a anecdote the other day where a vet was having a problem with a dog that was mean. He said the dog as a pup and young adult was spoiled. The owners never corrected it and lavished it with treats even when it misbehaved. He concluded the dog didn't have boundaries set and being a pack animal couldn't distinguish the leader of the pack, so it established itself as the dictator.

I think the same about children. There are parents that just don't care to discipline their children and I don't know if it is because it is other people's property they are destroying or they are just too lax. Either way, they stink. Maybe I am the other extreme, but I expect my kids to treat someone else's belongings the same way I want mine treated.

The same goes for screaming and tantrums in public places. Mine have done it and they get taken out, sometimes at the expense of my enjoyment.

We give a lot more leeway to our kids these days. They tend the run the household and because we are busy we give in to get some peace. If they are like little dictators at this young an age, what are they going to be like at 16 and bigger than you?

My wish list

I have a list of mundane items but I might as well publish them for you to know how boring I really am. I am not wishing for world peace because that is something that should happen throughout the year and in Miss America pageants. I thought about wishing for a new supersize-me chest, but Snark vetoed that also. These items are not listed in the order of importance:

* A new Kate Spade purse.
* A vanilla-orange flower candle from Bath and Body (Tahitian Vanilla Company).
* Wine (Sokol-Blosser, Joseph Phelps Pastiche,Rionda Prosecco. I could go on and on but I won't).
*Andrea Immer Robinson's 2006 wine buying guide.
* Dinner at the French Laundry in Yountville, Calif., (Had a reservation this year but had to cancel).
*Being invited to dinner at someone's house.
*Finding as great a book group as I had in Baton Rouge
*Every single book that Gerald Durrell wrote.
* The recipe for banana black bottom pie that I had at Palace Cafe (actually I just want the pie, who cares about the recipe).
* I want my chest to miraculously inflate itself to pre-breastfeeding days. Barring that, I want saggy boobs to be "in."
* Tickets to a Barry Manilow concert
*A girls trip(mine disintegrated) where the girls don't make excuses about why they can't go.
*A babysitter at my disposal (Mary Poppins preferred)
* Trip alone with Snark, preferably to the French Laundry
*I wish for my kids to realize that when I make you "real" macaroni and cheese you should shout for joy not turn your nose up and ask for the blue box.
*My neighbor to stop watching me drink my coffee in the morning and then comment that he has not seen me out there lately. Just creepy!
*I wish J.K. Rowling would hurry up and finish Book 7.
*I wish Robert Redford would offer me a million bucks because I sure as hell would not be going back to Woody Harrelson.
*Pants that actually fit your waist and don't show my bum when I bend over. Nobody needs to see it.

Yes I realize that some of these wishes are unattainable but that is why they are wishes.

All I want for Christmas is a vacuum!

You ever notice how after you get married your present expectations drop and then when you have kids they are at an all time low. I went from wanting rings and assorted geegaws to telling Snark to wait till after Christmas because that is when Yankee Candle has their "Buy one get one free" sale. I can get more then.

Yet I am hunting the aisles for "Fairytopia Barbie" and "Doodle Bears." But I think the young enjoy the material things the most. The older I get the more I appreciate the season itself. I like Snark making the cookie list, and I love it when he starts the baking. The girls are excited when I put up the tree and I even let them put the ornaments on. (Of course, they are all put on one branch and I sneak by later in the night to rearrange them). I get excited seeing lights the neighbors put up. I would rather not risk my neck to do that, but I surely appreciate when others do it.

Snark has asked for baseball books this year. He does research off them. He says he enjoys them, but isn't that like a doctor asking for medical reference books. Or maybe it is like when my mom asked for a new vacuum cleaner.

I always promised myself that I would not ask for a mixer or a washing machine, and I never did until one Christmas there was an expensive stove I wanted. It was beautiful and I hemmed and hawwed until I finally said "Look, get this thing as a Christmas gift." That sealed the deal. But it also led to what I always dreaded. The "I'll get her new pots and pans" for Christmas or "don't you want this knife" for birthdays. This actually happens to Snark more than myself. For our anniversary he received, from your's truly, an ice-cream maker. For his birthday he got a subscription to his favorite magazine and chocolate.

I fret over this, but as he says "It makes me happy, and it's the fact you thought to do it." And so I am going to try and not worry about what it is, but rather the happiness it brings. Just like Yankee Candle providing me the opportunity to stock up for the year on candles. And this year granite countertops for the kitchen would really excite me.

Li'l Smokies

The best thing I got out of a particular friendship was this recipe. We are no longer friends but the recipe lives on. This a great holiday dish.

1 pkg lil smokies
1 pkg bacon cut into thirds
brown sugar to cover all the smokies

Pre-heat oven to 350. Wrap each smokie in a piece of bacon and put into 13x9 dish. After all smokies have been wrapped cover them with brown sugar. Pop into oven and bake until sugar has caramelized and bacon is cooked. I watch it carefully and think it is 20 min.