I remember when I was in Nepal with the Yeti..........

Do you remember Commander McBragg? He was the the blow-hard on the Rocky and Bullwinkle Hour. If you are asking who they are, stop reading. You are too young to read this blog. The reason I am making this analogy is because women who have given birth are like Commander McBragg. They are into one-upmanship with birthing stories.

Give us a labor story and there is always one better. The most mild-mannered woman who considers nursing a horror(the whole exposure thing plus deflated breasts) will gleefully recount the agony, and all the goriness in minute detail. We have been through the birthing wars, it is our moment to shine. We want other women to wish they hadn't gotten the epidural so early.

I admit, I like to tell people how I lost 20 lbs with each pregnancy(not fun but makes for appropriate ooohs and ahhhs) and then told the doctor during my first delivery that I was too tired to push. I was lazy. Only after he threatened me with a c-section the kid popped out. I take a stab at Snark whenever I recount the second delivery. He was holding up the wall talking baseball with the doctor. They both didn't notice that my walk consisted of a one step circle till I fell on the bed with dizziness. I then informed them that the kid was arriving and the doctor told me that he wasn't dressed for it. At the time I wanted to brain him, but I now have my revenge by laughing about him to everyone.


My all time favorite is my sister-in-law. This is the one woman I know who delivers 9-10 lb preemies. I promise you, all her kids were born ahead of schedule. With her second my brother-in-law went in the drive-through to the ATM for some money. While he was getting money he noticed that she was pulling her pants off. Thinking that she was "in the mood", he leaned over and she told him that the baby was coming out. They slid into the ER entrance with moments to spare and she gave birth in the waiting room of the ER, on a gurney. It was quite the story in the hospital for weeks.

Much to my chagrin, that story tops mine so she gets the privilege of telling it first when we all get together. It's a great thing when we can laugh about possibly what is the most humiliating moment of our lives.

So I leave you with what one friend told the nurse who was insisting she look in the mirror during delivery.

"Just look so you can see your beautiful baby."

"All I can see is a hemorrhoid, so put the damn thing away."