King of the Road.

There are no traffic laws in India. You just aim in the right direction and pray. If you yield right of way, you'll be old by the time you get to where you want. Also, people will laugh at you. There are a few unspoken rules that everyone must obey when driving in India.

1. The bus, car, autorickshaw, and the king of all -- the scooter -- rule the road. Pedestrians do not have any right of way, and if you don't look carefully, you will be hit. Not enough to kill you, but just enough to knock you off your feet.

2. Stray dogs are the sentries of the roads. In India, they are called pariah nai or pi dogs. Each city has their own breed of pi. In Madras, they are lean looking curs with terrier faces and stick straight tails. In Bangalore, they look like Basenji's with curled up feathery tails. It is their right to chase your car till their territory ends. After that, their brethren take over till you aim said car in their direction and threaten to run them over. Be warned, this will not faze them because they know you won't.

3. It is the cow's holy right to plop itself in the road and have you horn at it for minutes to no avail. You then have to get out of the car, avoiding its deadly looking horns and curse at it. This does not accomplish anything except releasing pent-up frustration. Pi dogs will join in the hoopla, and little children will try to help shove it off the road. We are not talking about beautiful bovines. These are walking skin and bones with an itchy trigger foot. They are arrogant and know there isn't a damn thing you can do about moving them off. Just when you are about to collapse from a cow-induced aneurysm, they'll see a particular tasty garbage pile and move. This takes no less than 20 minutes. Meanwhile, you are now considered a pedestrian. You're fair game. And don't step in the steamy present the cow left you.

4. Red means go, green means go and there is no yellow. Don't look on either side just step on it. You are only centimeters (we're metric in India) from the scary big bus and the scooter whose driver is leering at you.

5. Beware of women in saris on pink scooters. They need to get where they are going, and if that means running into your bumper they will.

6. Above all, you must use your horn. It will save your life and that of someone else. It tells a person to jump out of the way. It tells oncoming traffic to come to a screeching halt. It tells a bus that it's scraping the side of your car.

7. If any of the above cannot be accomplished, hire a driver.